Flirtatious Warfare
by Valeria H
Summary: Fate has been cruel to Xellos, the Mother of All is obviously on something and Lina is amusing herself with the improbable. But the trickster priest is no longer alone in his suffering and he wants it to stay that way.
1. Melodramatic

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Slayers or any of it's characters. If I did, Xellos would be the star. Since he's not, It belongs to someone else.

Melodramatic

**Depraved work of Valeria H**

There was nothing wrong with introducing oneself with an edge of mystery, even if there was something very wrong with ones nature. But Xellos, Mysterious Priest, never concerned himself with what others thought of him. Well, that wasn't entirely accurate; humans provided him with infinite amusement as well as a nutritious meal of varied and complex emotions. If they were moving towards the point he was ordered to influence them to, then his consideration of their feelings stopped there.

Now would be a good example of that. A summons had been issued for him and he was required to obey. A village was causing a minor...inconvenience. The peasants should have remained in their ignorant bliss, but they had sought to better their existence and discovery of a Clair Bible Manuscript would do that for you. Well, at least until someone learnt of that finding. Now there was no choice but to eradicate all memory of the unearthing, as well as the knowledge that the script held. Although, perhaps a little peek wouldn't harm anyone, least of all his mistress.

As Beastmaster's Priest it was Xellos' duty to serve his mistress' interests. As such, he was obligated to play the part of the pawn, all to move humans to become unknowing pawns in her game. Although, there were certain pawns who knew all too well just what game he was ordered to play and just what piece they were being used as. As such they were wary of his interest and tried to avoid his involvement as much as possible. A certain red headed sorcery genius was proof of that.

The spunky sorceress drew his thoughts to a place he'd rather they not visit. He was performing his duties and now was not the ideal time for reminiscing. But those seemed to be visiting this forbidden ground a lot lately. It had seemed a safe solution when he had first thought of it, but now he knew it was fraught with peril. When one takes the advice of Lina Inverse, you had best be prepared for the disastrous consequences forthcoming.

* * *

"So, are you going to tell us this time _what_ Mazoku plot you've gone and thought we were the best people to deal with. Which, we totally are by the way." One ruby eye winked in his direction and a swish of vivid red hair was applied for added drama. "Who could resist me, talent and beauty combined into one superior being." Disillusioning her could be awkward and would be attempted only by beings more foolish than Xellos.

"Huh, there's someone else here that Xellos wants to ask for help?" Ah, the idiot assistant was present. Of course, Lina rarely travelled without Gourry Gabriev anymore. Though how he put up with the violent assault that he continued to walk straight into for so long was a mystery. He only hoped that others from their party were not in the general vicinity.

While this argument could be interesting, it wasn't solving his problem. Gourry was present but that would be acceptable; no doubt he wouldn't have a clue as to what they were discussing but Lina was in full rant mode now and nothing was going to prevent her from torturing her favourite toy. Perhaps something low key was needed to refocus their attention. A free meal? He had some issues to resolve and an answer was required immediately.

"Well?"

The beating was over already? He must have been more distracted than he had considered to have missed the alteration of emotion. There was no way that he would permit her to see him off guard. Best to fall back on safe ground. "Ah, well that is a secret. However there is something I need your advice on. I've been feeling...odd recently. I've been thinking a lot about...non-Mazoku things and I feel warm whenever I see Ze – ze – zebra's! My mind won't concentrate either." Some sorcery genius, confused already, but he needed her to wander from the treacherous path of impossible fantasy and onto a more logical one. "Look, forget about the in depth analysis. Is there a cure?"

There was serious consideration as the sorcery genius wrapped her mind around the newly divulged information. Though a somewhat desperate decision, he knew this had been the right choice.

"Ah, are you sure you don't just have a crush Xellos" The idiot accomplice speaks once more. Maybe he should have been removed before the baring of souls began. Now she was wandering away from logical reasoning and getting ideas, never a good start for maintaining one's safety. Well, there was still time for the certain assistants to be removed. No, bad Xellos. Lina will not remain as cooperative (in the loosest sense of the word) as she had in the past with a dead assistant and no Sword of Light to show for it.

And then the serious facade snapped causing his worst nightmare to begin. "This is...you can't be...how can you not...ahahahaha..." The laughter was endless. Didn't she realise that this situation was not funny, it was serious. After all, it was _his_ problem.

"Um, what are you all doing?" Oh no! Who could be this cruel? He turned, face burning (with shame he told himself) to confront the newest addition to their deep and meaningful. Zelgadis Greywords, unfortunate chimera, had obviously returned to travelling with the party of insanity. He was not alone either as an idealistic Amelia accompanied him, laden with food.

"Why Mister Xellos, what are you doing here?" Who cared about the reasons. Food, distract Lina! Go!

"Xellos...has a...a crush on...ahahahaha...." It was still going. Surely her air supply had to forfeit soon! How could she find this even remotely fascinating with food in the vicinity? Gourry had already been sidetracked by the morsels but that wasn't exactly a victory as two more, slightly more intelligent creatures, had joined the fray instead.

The stars began to shine in Amelia's eyes and he knew she was warming up for a speak on love or justice or some other painful topic. "Oh, Mister Xellos, are you pining for your lost love?"

Oh. My. Dark. Lord. He'd wished his assumption had been wrong, he really did.

"...hahaha...zebra...hahaha..."

"Is it Miss Filia?"

The death glare he loosened on the young princess should have promised an agonising fate. As it was, it was somewhat tempered by the ridiculous glow of his cheeks, the unrestrained mirth of Lina echoing in the background and the distracted nature of his thoughts. He had to focus!

The quirk of stone warped lips made him want to vanish in shame and they certainly weren't doing anything to help his concentration. What was it that was so amusing? Mazoku could have feelings too and there had to be something flowing through their bodies that could flow elsewhere! Or perhaps it was less amusement and more of a mocking edge to those hidden thoughts. Oh dear, he had been degraded to a level of human contempt. But despite this he still wanted his hands to start at the neck and slowly trail down...

No, no, no. Must not think of things like that. Only a path of destruction and pain was likely to exist in that direction. It would start with an angry shaman's ire at having the little remaining innocence toyed with. Following it would be a ancient chant and a vengeful Dragon Slave hurled in his general direction. But that was nothing to the piece de resistance, the horrid wailing of "But Mr Xellos, you were such a good person." That would be really painful, as well as an attack to his ego. _Good_, like he was _human! _

Mission to gather possible remedies for infliction – Failure. Xellos had no new cures to wander in search of and only a ridiculous notion to show for consulting the Mazoku's favourite sorcery pawn. The only thing that was certain was that Lina's incredulous laughter would be haunting him for a while.

* * *

It was unquestionably haunting him now. His nature was one of Mazoku, an evil being known to manipulate human emotion for his own feast. Yet here he was, tormented by even the faintest wisp of memory towards _that_. What had the Mother of All, the Lord of Nightmares, been _on_ when she constructed his fate to be like this? If he had a supply of it now perhaps he could see where her mind had been taking her, or at least feel marginally better for a time. Though he had been aware of her capricious nature, he'd never considered that she'd sink to this just for entertainment. He hated that he could describe his actions as _pining _and he knew the sorceress was doing so now, no doubt as loudly as her formidable vocal cords would allow her.

Why had he confided his problems to her? Oh, right, he was losing his feverish grasp on sanity. When he had questioned his mistress she had been vague and unaware as to how to assist him, but the secretive twist of her feral lips confirmed that she understood what affliction he was suffering from. Since Mazoku aid could not be relied on and Ryuzoku assistance was likely to consist of eradication he had turned to his only salvation. He had honestly thought that a human perspective on the situation would be of assistance and obviously he had been correct. But that assumption would now be his demise at the malicious smile befitting a Mazoku Lord that had presented itself to him. Now his illness was redefined as – ugh, how he despised this definition especially in relation to himself – _pining_.

How had it ended up like this? He had not been raised this way, to consider another at even remotely the same degree of importance as himself. He understood the desire to possess and be the only one to do so; he was Mazoku, it was what was done! But all the detestable other things he wanted out of this could just be returned. He had never sought another's regard, nor desired it returned. Wanting another to be happy was certainly a first as well as trying to assist in finding that happiness. It was going to put a real damper on all the fun he could have from now on. No more reckless abandon; consideration for another's feelings would replace that!

This would not do. Xellos was very fond of the horrors he could inject daily into human consumption and any further preoccupation with the current focus of his thoughts would drain the enjoyment from the debacle he was preparing. He had _blushed_, an utterly useless action that he hadn't felt the need to indulge in before. Now he had to prove that he was still Mazoku and worthy of that title. But he still couldn't help wondering how another particular hopeless quest was going. Would happiness ever be gifted to...

He shook that stigma from his mind. Focussing on the task at hand, he prepared himself for the forthcoming despair. It wasn't the best source of food, but at present his favourite food source made him feel...awkward. So, despite all the evidence and even the _name_ for the emotion, he would not accept it. He was sick! Or worse! There, the ultimate justification to what was happening had presented itself and that was a more feasible explanation to what was happening to him.

"I must be dying." It couldn't be anything else and certainly not..._that _wretched title.

As the cries sounded in the distance, he turned his back to their suffering in favour of searching for the cure. How ironic that he and his zebra would share a similar ultimate goal of a cure that was impossible to find.

*** * ***

**AN**: Thanks to Rose Thorn for her review. It really helped me to improve upon the original and narrow down which parts were screaming for alteration. Hopefully this read better.


	2. Mischievous

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. It really is that simple. For all the proof that Slayers is not mine, just read on.

* * *

Mischievous

**Depraved work of Valeria H**

Heroes lived by morals and justice, villains existed to manipulate and confound but human's transformed into chimera's functioned on sarcasm and copious amounts of caffeine. Zelgadis Greywords had always had an appreciation for coffee but recently he'd developed a newfound respect for the mighty cup of ground beans, the only part of his life which still made sense. As they claimed their tables and ordered at yet another 'All you can eat for a silver piece Restaurant' (per Lina's demands) Zelgadis' mind dwelled on the bizarre events of the past couple of days. With his caffeine injection now in front of him he could finally begin to make sense of it all.

It had seemed to originate with the reappearance of Xellos. Whatever he had discussed with Lina had forced the young sorceress to go insane. It was the only explanation for her actions; the random muttering always followed by the bouts of hysterical laughter. Also, her continual comments about zebra's, who knew what the crazy girl was thinking, only confirmed that she had finally lost the plot. He couldn't blame her though. Anyone would lose whatever faint grasp on sanity they had after travelling with their party.

To start, there was Gourry, the idiot accomplice. While kind, helpful and an extraordinary swordsman, he was just a few stars short of a galaxy. The loss of the Sword of Light, his most powerful and valuable possession, would have been painful for Lina as she had her heart set on inheriting it after its owner would have mysteriously vanished/been injured. Well, that's what he got for playing indentured servant to Lina Inverse.

Then there was Amelia wil Tesla Seyruun. The idealistic princess could be very trying and while more times than not _he_ was forced to endure her company there was no escape from her impassioned Justice speeches. He had grown bored of being referred to as a good person at heart, just misunderstood as well as a warrior of justice or whatever particular course they were campaigning for this week but this was nothing compared to the damage such fallacies were doing to the volatile sorceress' reputation.

Of course there was the added complication of being constantly hassled by Mazoku who never seemed to understand that; no, they didn't want to be used as pawns in some twisted scheme. Particularly a certain annoying priest who appeared when you didn't want him and vanished right when he could be helpful. Like as a diversion, or better, a shield.

And there was him. Having been cursed as a chimera had given Zelgadis a gloomy outlook and travelling with a moody, pessimistic shaman who basically ignored you because they were consumed with their own problems was not on everyone's to-do list and probably wouldn't win him any awards for 'ideal travelling companion'. But it was who he was. And something else he happened to be lately was confused.

The irrational reappearance of Xellos would most likely mean that they had once again been chosen to deal with some Mazoku dispute or provide free entertainment. Yet they hadn't been pointed in any direction, been given no cryptic advice as to the location of some great treasure that could assist them or even been attacked by anything more dangerous than the obligatory unkempt bandits that made the mistake of trying to purloin the belongings of a group of wizards. This lack of action was very odd for Xellos, as was the fact that they had only seen him briefly that one day. Once Amelia and her 'Justice-Loving sidekick had returned he vacated the area with haste. He didn't even stick around for a traditional bout of mockery and superiority.

And why was he thinking about this? There was nothing to be confused about. The truth was simple; Xellos was Mazoku, seemingly harmless at first glance but very dangerous. Interaction with said Mazoku could be hazardous to one's health and mental stability. The fact that he left so soon should have been a _blessing_, not this emotional conflict and torture.

Yet here he sat, inhaling the calming aroma of coffee and casually sipping the substance that was his life source, appallingly conflicted. As far as any of his travelling companions were aware he hated the trickster and in many ways this was true. He loathed the smile that was so malevolent beneath all the disarming cheer, detested the need for everything to be a secret, despised being used as a disposable pawn that could easily be manipulated and just as easily eliminated. But behind that hatred there was also respect, for the power, the occasional assistance, all of it seasoned with a healthy dose of fear. Then there was his foible, that desperate need for knowledge that was fulfilled through Xellos' verbal memoirs, brief glimpses into an ancient world which history had only skimmed the surface of. The life that their trickster accomplice pretended for himself now was a lie in comparison to his past and nowhere near as fascinating. And there was the overwhelming nature of that touch. The feel of those pale hands on stony hide was not the pale imitation of feeling that resulted from human contact, it was real warmth to stroke his physical form, caress his astral manifestation. So while he desired an escape from his demons, he also craved that presence.

Laying head on the table, Zelgadis lamented what seemed to be the Mother of All's punishment for his selfish conduct, though considering she was Mazoku herself you'd think there would be a reward instead. All of this was just too much for him right now. It wasn't fair; he hadn't even finished the first cup of coffee! When had he been reduced to _this_? It was _Xellos _for god's sake!

"My, my, what do we have here?"

He leapt out of his chair, surprised by the very familiar and very irritating tone of mirth. "Xellos!" The sudden race of his heartbeat was from fear, nothing else. He wouldn't allow it to be anything more. As he lowered himself back into his seat stone hands gripped the table to stabilise him, keep him from reaching out and choking the nuisance, or...doing other highly stimulating but irrational things. "What are you doing here?"

The priest seemed to seriously consider his question, not an action that occurred under normal circumstances. "Well, under normal circumstances I would have to say 'That is a secret'. But I suppose I'm feeling generous today so I'll share just one little secret with you." When had his table suddenly acquired another resident? He didn't remember inviting Xellos to sit and yet there he was, sitting on the table, drapes of what looked like cloth dipping into the neglected cup of coffee. He couldn't even sit in a chair and act normal; no, he had to sit inches away from Zelgadis with the sole intent of disturbing an already confounded mind. "I've been following this most fascinating creature. It's rather adorable and very intriguing to me."

Xellos was leaning towards him now, but instead of heeding the rational response of his mind to run to safety _now_ he ignored it in favour of drifting closer. It was all the damn coffee's fault; he was addicted and the aroma that now surrounded his companion was rapidly overpowering any remaining will, leading him right towards what he wished could have remained an unwelcome fate. But as unfair fates would have it he was mesmerised and he wanted to know more, wanted to know everything. "And what are you following?"

That face was presently only inches away and there was the subtle caress of breath on his face, causing an increase in his own breathing pattern. The pause before the answer was painfully drawn out, causing Zelgadis to grip the table tighter. As chips of wood fell to the floor he watched those lips part, waiting for the words he both feared and hoped.

They didn't come. "Sorry, I must have misheard what you just said. What are you following?"

"Zebra." Yes, that was what he had heard. He was smiling like an idiot and that irritating chirpy voice made it known that, even though he had said he was divulging a secret, this particular secret was one he was more than happy to keep to amuse himself.

"A zebra."

"That's right."

"You're following a zebra."

"Oh yes. Very fun."

Everyone was insane. First a sorcery genius muttering about zebra's, now the Mazoku priest was _stalking_the things. He'd feel sorry for the monochromatic beast if he wasn't so disappointed. Now he wished he'd hidden the excitement that had risen at the thought of being privy to those hidden thoughts. But with Xellos now wandering off to his next source of amusement it was a little late for that.

All this left Zelgadis feeling like a fool, but two could play at that game. If the trickster was going to turn up randomly to annoy him then he had better be prepared for the reprisal. The Mazoku would soon realise just how vengeful Zelgadis Greywords could be, especially when he was feeling mischievous...

* * *

When had flirting become a realistic retaliation to Mazoku attack? This would definitely be awkward, not to mention embarrassing. It wasn't in Zelgadis' nature to, ugh did he really have to think of it this way, _flirt. _Fluttering eyelashes was all very well but given that his were made of wire it would make for an interesting conversation if anyone saw. But revenge called for all kinds of lows and this was the best plan.

Surveying his surroundings, the chimera took stock of his situation before he made a complete fool out of himself. Three of them; one unconscious, another drunk and the final his unsuspecting victim. At least two out of three wouldn't be recalling the evening, and the third wouldn't bring it up in casual conversation unless there was some way it would benefit him.

His target was sipping tea, easily deluding his audience into accepting the innocent priest facade he wore, rather than the mentally unstable individual that the shaman was certain was his true form. Zebras?! Dear Lord, why did he travel with these people? But he needed to focus, needed the element of surprise while there was still a chance of this travesty of a strategy actually working.

One step, two steps...why was it so difficult to be stealthy when one's body was comprised of stone? Still, his target hadn't acknowledged his presence yet. Three steps, four steps...almost there and the torture over with. Five steps, six steps...a slight turn of the head, followed by an over dramatised yawn. Typical Xellos. Now for the final seventh step, to allow him to stand directly behind the soon to be casualty of vicious flirtatious assault. With as much speed as was possible without shattering the table with enthusiasm, he placed his hands on either side of his foe and placed his lips next to the unsuspecting ear. "Still having fun?" It was somewhat frightening that he could accomplish the soft, wistful voice on the first try. But the slight jump of the prisoner made Zelgadis' insecurities about this vanish. He'd make this worth it.

"Is there something you're here for?" The squeak was confirmation. Definitely worth it.

Time for take two. "Hm, couldn't quite hear that." Another spectacular verbal assault on the target. But this kind of success could not last for long.

The priest was there and then he wasn't; a quick teleportation had resulted in Xellos' new position on the table facing him but that sort of action was not a shock anymore. Aubergine eyes wide open at last, pupils dilated, _that_ was a shock. Those eyes only ever opened when there was a revelation of Xellos' dark intent, but there had been rare occurrences where they were opened out of surprise. There wasn't any sense of eminent doom right now, only astonishment at what was happening. If this wasn't so utterly humiliating he would have laughed in the tricksters face, final payment for all the deception. And why couldn't he laugh in that face? He seemed somewhat hypnotised.

"Zebra."

Confused would be another way to explain it.

"I'm Zelgadis, remember?"

The enthralling creature before him tilted his head, purple tresses sliding across pale skin not even attempting to defy gravity, to reveal a genuine smile that transformed its face. No longer was he playing the manipulating demon, tho he still wasn't quite human, he was still more approachable, still intriguing, still enticing. "How could I forget?" That should not have sounded as comforting as it did. "Zelgadis." Nor should his name ever be said with such desire. He shouldn't find a dangerous monster suddenly invading his personal space welcome conclusion though. Then again, it seemed to be a day for events that shouldn't take place.

Like there should be no realistic situation in which Xellos would be kissing him, but here they were. Okay, this was not part of the plan. Forcing Xellos into a submissive role, check. Xellos following up with much appreciated sexual assault, not originally on the list but probably should have been.

After being merged with a stone golem he was used to his body feeling heavy and unresponsive. His lips were stone, cold, numb, and yet in this moment they felt as if made of flesh for the first time in years. They burned and it overwhelmed him. As disturbing as it should have been to receive his first kiss from a Mazoku, he timidly requested more, reaching out and grabbing hold of robes to hold his assailant in place as he began to respond with more enthusiasm. Tightening his grip he found himself having a very firm hold on empty space.

While there was certainly an empty tavern in front of him, there was still a nagging feeling that someone else was still present, even if his eyes were telling him otherwise. His senses were not disappointed. "Oh dear. It seems we'll have to postpone this delightful pursuit until another time."

And then he was gone, leaving Zelgadis to his thoughts. The plan had been perfect and early on he had the advantage, until the priest went and molested him. But this wasn't over. He'd known in the beginning that Mazoku never liked to lose and weren't ones to back down from a challenge, especially one issued by a human. It was just the first part of what was soon to become pointless warfare. Xellos would be back, and when he showed his snide face again it would take an obsessed shaman to make him regret teasing this chimera.

* * *

**A.N: **I'd like to thank my momma and ... who am I kidding? I saw I had a review and was ecstatic, hence I wrote more. Part three has suggested itself to me so I shall go forth and write more.


	3. Moonlight

**Disclaimer:** To reiterate: Slayers is not my own work and thus neither Xellos nor Zelgadis are my property. I don't even own a zebra, though I do own some stripy socks.

* * *

_Moonlight_

**Depraved work of Valeria H**

With this latest acquisition held securely within his grasp, Xellos' smile spread to obscene – and quite frankly disturbing – magnitudes. If Lina Inverse or her cohorts were watching then they would have labelled this as 'suspicious'. To the casual observer in the inn he found himself stranded in, this would be modified to the basic description of 'lunatic'.

Seated in the grimy confines of that inn's bar, the priest let his head rest in his open palm, elbow propped against the unkempt bench that he sat at and glared at the ineffective liquid that had sat unassumingly before him this past hour. Alcohol didn't affect him directly but it was disturbing him through the means of the bar's few other occupants, most of them intensely inebriated. This explained why more than one of them had approached him and attempted to chat up a Mazoku or, as they saw it, a celibate priest. In truth it was flattering, but unless their skin was stone and they had a propensity for varied and interesting emotional turmoil then he would borrowing his mistresses latest unsettling line and proclaiming "I'm just _not_ that into you."

Yet even his sudden rise in popularity could do very little to curb his present enthusiasm. Three days of top secret intelligence gathering had yielded a result, one that was ensconced within the leather bindings of an average journal, with hopefully not so average contents. The reason for three days? When his mistress had said that she would do some investigating into his current problems, Beastmaster had insisted that she would be completed within that time frame. Apparently three days was the standard for humans; they travelled relentlessly for three days, awoke after grievous injury in the same time period and thus his mistress had felt compelled to compete with the mortals and complete her research _in three days_. He smiled further at her work ethic to complete what looked like a novel.

Content yet creepy smile still in place, Xellos finally opened to the first page and a title which Zelas had obviously put a lot of thought into for describing her current pet project, for penned out in her bold yet messy scrawl was:

_You and your 'Zebra'_

_The art of interaction with such a beast_

Feeling his excitement building, there was little for him to do but stare at the absurd title. Forget the Claire Bible Manuscript! This was the ultimate source of knowledge and at first glance his mistress had done a wonderful job in assisting him with this particular mission. Though she had termed it more as obsession, but she was still amused by the fascination.

Flipping to the next page the priest noticed that the writing had changed for a contents page, showing the book was divided into seven sections of study. Obviously his mistress had taken some pride in her work, probably intimidated someone else into printing her masterpiece. Ah, he was so lucky to have such a magnificent mistress.

Upon further inspection, the trickster noticed that the messy scrawl dominated the side margins on some pages. Curious as to why she would be writing her own notes in here if she had someone else doing it, Xellos turned back a page so he could start from the beginning of her train of thought.

Chapter Two: Zebra Nature

Prior research material claims that many animals exhibit a 'fight or flight' reaction to danger. This same research also places the zebra firmly in the flight category. However, studious observation and stalker-like behaviour over our three day adventure have disproved this theory. The 'Zebra' in question is most definitely in the fight category, having responded to obligatory bandit attack with _Wind Brid_.

Moving his gaze away from the main text, his eyes squinted as he worked to decipher the haphazard notes that were seemingly the author's insight into the subject matter of her intense investigation.

_My stalking holiday has also revealed that the 'Zebra' has found its natural enemy in purple haired Mazoku priests. This conclusion comes from witnessing the Ra Tilt released in a way that is quite reminiscent of the infuriated Inverse Dragon Slave. Sorry darling, you'll need to release some of that pent-up frustration the 'Zebra' has before you can achieve your final objective. From personal experience, the best way to do this is to pin them to a hard surface and then carefully insert a finger –_

Purple eyes wide open in a somewhat terrified fashion, the pages made an abrupt and final sound as they collided from Xellos' embarrassment. The messy scrawl was...was...her own damn opinions! And, even worse, _her_ _suggestions!_ As his face burned with the humiliation of even thinking about his 'Mother' doing something like that, he hurled the book along the length of the seedy bar and watched in satisfaction as it dropped off the end into the abyss of a floor.

Glaring at where he knew the innocent looking journal lay, he could easily visualise how the text was divided up. Neat print equated to the factual evidence while messy scrawl was only the sordid delusions of an amused Mazoku Lord. So ultimately his prized treasure was actually useless and there was no choice but to burn the book, as well as his eyes if that could remove the mental image of...no, that was just _wrong!_

Chin on the splintered wood of the bench, pouting spectacularly, Xellos allowed himself a short sulking period before allowing his thoughts to clamour for his attention. He studiously avoided the one that was wondering _who_ Beastmaster had experimented her technique on and addressed what he thought of as the voice of reason. What if someone else saw the knowledge in that book? Such crucial data couldn't be permitted to be held by his enemies, nor could it ever fall into the hands of Justice seeking princesses who were sure to sway a lonely zebra to the light side.

Nodding at his convincing argument the priest removed himself from the uncomfortable stool and walked briskly towards the abandoned volume. Collecting it from its current disgusting environs he tilted his head to the side and looked at the leather cover, definitely not its contents, as he debated whether it would be worthwhile keeping it. Giving another quick nod he slipped the tome into the confines of his astral clothing, suppressing a shudder as he could just _feel _it contaminating his existence. Wandering away from the depressing hole this inn called a bar, Xellos went off to find someone more amusing to feast on and annoy.

* * *

Relaxing on his quarries bed the beloved antagonist was once more entranced by the deceiving journal. Despite dismissing it as useless Xellos still felt drawn towards his mistress' gift. The servile side of him felt honoured that she would present him with something she had invested so much of her time, energy and...personal experience into, though he wished she had excluded some of the details. The curious side of him wanted to know all that she had ascertained in her three day exploratory mission and disturbingly enough _why_ she had this personal experience to share. Meanwhile, the amused side of him wanted to uncover more of how her mind had misinterpreted and twisted non-Mazoku behaviour into something she could understand.

It was those damn suggestions, the untidy scrawl that was set to haunt his mind for the rest of his existence. Every word seemed to shout her encouragement and teasing. From a second quick look at the authors additions, he had noticed some letters seemed a bit disproportional to the others and could imagine her shaking with laughter as she penned them. It didn't help that these letters belonged to words he hoped _never_ to hear from her mouth.

Rereading a particularly disturbing suggestion that corresponded to _Chapter Four: Nuances of Zebra_, he began to tilt the book for a better look. He didn't remember asking for diagrams to be included in this research operation and had to wonder what kind of fetishes she had developed over her many years. Why was she obsessed with...looking up from the book he thought about her point and concluded that, yes, she may actually have a point. For beings with wire hair that hair was particularly fluffy. But still, there was no need to draw a diagram that had the hair labelled with _you have some weird fantasies darling, but you should consider this wire problem before have Zebra s– _

Once more the pages quickly pressed against one another, this time from his mistress' thoughts as well as the approaching saunter of his prey. Sitting up on his knees his body was practically vibrating from the excitement. Nobody laughed at a Mazoku and could continue on without consequence! Unable to control the anticipation completely he began to bounce up and down on the mattress. Though normally he'd prefer to seem completely relaxed and at ease he was certain that this course of action would have the added benefit of relieving him of some enthusiasm and annoying the target even more.

As the door opened and an incarnation of fire stepped tiredly across the threshold, previously unseeing eyes began to awaken with recognition before bypassing the more gentle options of greeting and well-wishing, instead detouring into the explosive territory ruled by frustration and tantrums. Ruby eyes were beginning to narrow with suspicion as well as the customary annoyance he had come to feast upon. Cloth pulled at the seams as fists clenched in response to the invasion of privacy that was Xellos: Mysterious Priest and teeth unconsciously gnawed on the delicate flesh that had fallen victim to the petite sorceress's irritation.

Feeling the growing animosity unfolding within his quarry the priest relaxed as Mazoku nature took control of his actions and allowed his mind to wander away from his studies. The sorcery genius had always been a great distraction and her current acrimony was sating his appetite. There was no arguing with certain truths: Lina Inverse was, had always been and would always be _fun to annoy!_

"Xellos, get–" Cerise eyes shut him out from the inner workings of what he could feel was an enraged mind. "–your astral ass–" Now the red haired girl's voice was growing, her breathing emerging as a light pant as she threw the frustration he was feasting on directly at him. "–out of here–" He watched as her body was vibrating with the rapidly losing battle of suppressing her antagonism at this moment and he waited in anticipation of the inevitable finale. As eyes that could have shamed Shabranigdo snapped open once more the fury finally reached boiling point "–BEFORE I BLAST IT OUT OF HERE!"

Ceasing the bouncing that was at least contributing to her frustration, Xellos watched as Lina's breaths came in quick pants, regaining what little composure that she possessed. His face twisted into an uncharacteristic, and completely fake, frown as he observed his companion. Tilting his head to the side in what his current reading material termed as _the inquisitive and disarming move all 'Zebra' kind aspire to unleash upon their unsuspecting prey_ the words left before he had time to think of the consequences and in a tone that was far less playful than he would have liked.

"Do you not enjoy my company Miss Lina?"

The panting subsided with a sharp click as her teeth collided and eyes began to narrow once more, though more out of distrust than true hatred. As a somewhat soothing grinding sound was all that filled the silence a pissed "What?" was flung haphazardly towards him. Obviously it had been a long day for her.

A more characteristic pout appeared for the Mazoku as he elaborated in response to her question. "But Miss Lina, I enjoy your company."

At last her eyes opened to their normal size and Xellos felt her exhaustion long before he registered the gusty sigh that overwhelmed the additional anger to normal 'Lina-ness'. She shut the door behind her at last and wandered away from the entrance towards the rooms sole window. The trickster noted that with the exception of the door it was the point in the room furthest from his precarious perch on the end of her bed. "You only enjoy people's company so you can annoy them and then feed on that annoyance. It's not a social interaction for you, more a necessity."

Though she did not turn to face him, still preferring the view of outside their prison to the other inhabitant, he couldn't suppress his smile at her words as he watched her. " Well, that is partly true."

"And the other part is you annoy them because it amuses you."

"My, my, that is indeed most of it Miss Lina." Something in his words caused her to turn abruptly and look at him in slight shock. "I'm impressed you've figured this much out. You obviously–"

"What else is there?" Her question left her quickly in an exhaled breath of confusion tingled with fascination.

Haltingly he finished his sentence as without the slightest intention of answering her. "–quite well."

"Xellos?"

"Perhaps you don't know me as well as I had hoped Miss Lina, for _that–_"

"Xellos!"

"– is a secret."

"GET OUT!" was screeched at him as he begun to dematerialise from her room, fireball already in place to remove him forcibly should he refuse. Laughing at the absurdity Xellos obeyed her request. He was full now anyway.

* * *

Appearing suddenly on the other side of the door the trickster lifted astral arms above his head and contemplated what to do now with his time. While Lina had been fun and the concept of being forcibly removed from a human's room would amuse him for the evening it just wouldn't be the same to laugh about it by himself. He pondered finding his mistress and enlightening her to the notion of being evicted from somewhere that he could materialise whenever he wanted but quickly thought better of it. Though he was sure she would be amused, Xellos himself would only be disgusted as thoughts of Zelas doing _unspeakable horrors_ to poor defenceless mortals would fill his mind. Then Zelas would be even more amused and her priest nauseated.

Observing movement in his peripheral vision, the traumatised Mazoku turned in time to catch a glimpse of another familiar figure that was striding towards him. Feeling warmth bubbling up within him that had noright to be present he allowed his customary smile to bloom onto his face as Zelgadis wandered down the hallway and away from him. Xellos felt the warm bubble pop and its droplets tumble down into what his mortal companions would term his stomach and his mood plummeted with it as the moody shaman paused only to open a door two rooms down before moving gracefully inside.

Leaning back against Lina's door while his gaze rested unwavering upon another that might as well have been a world away, Xellos reached into his robes, commanded his mistress to promptly remove her mind from the gutter and withdrew the sacred artefact that he was quickly becoming addicted to.

Opening to the contents page he allowed a single pale digit to rest on the print and saunter gently downwards as his mind gave into curiosity and began its saunter into fantasy. As his finger encountered the current source of inquisitiveness he quickly ruffled the pages, searching for the appropriate chapter that would have the answers he sought.

Chapter Five: Sleeping with Zebra

What goes on in the darker hours? Come on, I know you're interested. After all, you can't see what is occurring behind that door and, metaphorically of course, it's killing you. Curiosity has taken hold of you at the mere though that 'Zebra' _could _be sleeping soundly but could just as easily be partaking in far more stimulation activities.

Unfortunately, results of this experiment have concluded that exciting activities are in short supply among 'Zebra' kind and that instead they prefer to do the following:

1. Reading old and boring books

2. Drinking coffee

3. Sleeping

4. Mumbling about annoying Mazoku

5. Tossing and turning

6. Shouting

7. Jolting out of sleep and panting (in a non-aroused way)

8. Moaning

9. Jolting out of sleep and panting (in an aroused way)

_This concludes the current activities that occur "behind closed doors" at the present time. Further inquiry by priestly parties may be required to confirm this, as well as to introduce events 10-12 which will hopefully be more fascinating. Although...events 8 and 9 seem to be moving in the right direction._

Well, an order was an order. Further inquiry from priestly parties was obviously needed to verify the research. Stowing the book back in his robes, Xellos moved towards the stairs to the ground floor to begin investigations.

* * *

Sliding along the wall, Xellos spared a moment to think how ridiculous this would seem to the casual observer that knew exactly what they were seeing. He _could _have simply materialised at his destination but in the interest of keeping up his mortal pretence had decided against it. Thus the trickster was obliged to act in a mortal fashion in conjunction with the reference material that Beastmaster had so willingly provided. Thankfully, because of the enthusiastic storm that was their reason for being trapped in this inn, casual observers of the sane variety were in short supply.

His lips quirked at the knowledge that his mistress had unwittingly revealed to him in her haphazard scrawl down the margins. The priest never would have guessed at her being a fan of, the technical term for the genre crept up beside him to be used later as ammunition, trashy romance novels but as the most unexpected thing in his existence he probably should have anticipated something embarrassing like this. It certainly explained why she had taken so much enjoyment from her espionage these past days and left him in little doubt that she was ...indulging...in certain hobbies.

Drawing his mind back to the matter at hand Xellos lifted his head to gaze at a darkened window as purple tresses whipped around him in a frenzy. Counting from the edge of the inn he confirmed that it was indeed the second room on the eastern side of a decrepit old building that probably couldn't withstand all this wind; his destination. The lack of light coming from within suggested that events 3-6 from the compendium of knowledge were presently taking place and the room was safe for infiltration.

Placing a hand in between the gaps in the stone and feeling flora that probably undermined the safety of the structure he proceeded to lift himself up the wall and out of the wind. His feet had only momentarily left the ground when they were once again reunited when he'd lost his grip. Well, he'd tried it once this way and that was more than enough. Levitating up to the window was much easier while still being within the confines of 'things mortals can do'. After all, if Romeo had known how to levitate then surely he would have been up on that balcony ravishing his love rather than down on the ground with Juliet looking down on him and using their mouths for words. He'd noted the undertones of displeasure in Zelas' writing as she described the star crossed lovers as wasting time with the inconsequential. Some ravishing would certainly have endeared the work to her more. Ravishing always made things better. The priest wondered if it could be included in his current operation.

Perhaps if there was time.

Opening the window and proceeding to fall through it, the Mazoko opened aubergine eyes and spared a moment to watch chaos unfold upon the room before shutting the window decisively behind him. While research papers and a signature cloak had been lifted and tossed in the pandemonium while sheets struggled to join their dance, a single figure had remained completely motionless through the display, unmoving except for the soft breaths that were the sole disturbance to the now still room.

The faintest wisps of moonlight spilled across pebbled skin, causing what should have been blue to appear as polished silver. The softness of the light caressed stone in a way the removed any harsh lines, all frustration and made the one laying before him into something delicate, disarming and delectable.

Days ago he had been stunned when instead of ignoring him as usual the chimera had seemed drawn involuntarily towards him. So maybe he had a bit too much fun with the unusual event but that was no call for the vicious retaliation that had awaited him shortly after. It had been an unexpected form of attack from such a serious individual but the shaman had proven a worthy opponent when he had counterattacked the priest's manipulation with a form of his own. Well played.

Focusing on lips that he had only had a brief taste of he wondered if this could be termed 'another time.' The relaxed composure before him made him forget that possibility. It was not yet the time to add to his mistress's compendium.

Disengaging himself from that shadowed room for darker surroundings Xellos reflected on his inevitable demise. He'd heard the stories but never really given them much thought till now. There was no going back now though, he was becoming one of those Mazoku who had fallen from the path of annoyance and amusement and wandered towards the light. Next he'd be posing atop towers and screaming about justice.

Still, while sneaking through windows reeked of a romantic rendezvous it was something he could label as achieved. Of course, if his 'lover' ever found out about this he'd no doubt be meeting a furious glare and a far more hazardous astral spell.

Leaving the room that held the source of all his frustration, confusion and desire he permitted a faint parting whisper to remain as he vanished at last.

"Sleep well my zebra."

* * *

I know, I'm a sap. Sorry it's taken so long to update. I've had this sitting as an incomplete 500 words for a while and decided it was time to kick it out of solitary with a few alterations. I should probably have been studying but this was more fun so stuff the study. Also, guilt always works wonders as motivation for me so a big thank you to BlackLioness; you have saved me from the wrath of my commerce textbook. I hope this chapter lived up to your expectations.

But wait, there's more. As a special (short) bonus tribute to anyone who has actually been waiting for this update...

"**Lina's Disturbing Lunch Special"**

**(or, Reasons Revealed Behind Lina's Exhaustion Which Was **_**So**_** Xellos' Fault)**

This was it, the pinnacle of all existence. Lina Inverse, sorceress supreme, hung eagerly upon the edge of her seat as the rewards for her patience (thugs, Mazoku, Ryuzoku and idiots all included) tottered precariously towards her. Never in life had there ever been anyone more fitting for the reward of...

"Lina, did you really need to order the deluxe special?"

Turning towards the questioning visage of the only serious member of her troupe, Lina wondered just what sort of person would question a lady on her food choice. Looking briefly at the steaming cup that was all he'd be consuming today, the obvious answer materialised before her. One that subsided on coffee and _nothing else_.

Gazing back to her unfortunate companions face she released the full force of her sultry wink at him. "You're just no fun anymore Zelga-bunny." She was rewarded by a faint blush rising to stone cheeks and silently cheered. As her meal was placed before her, shining more than any treasure she had uncovered thus far, she promptly followed with a far more exuberant cheer causing a scowl to replace embarrassment. Oh well, can't have everything.

An innocent clap drew her attention away from the eternal mystery that was Zelgadis Greywards and towards the justice loving princess who was still accompanying the spunky sorceress after all this time, though she honestly had no idea why. After all, it was an unspoken agreement in their party that the royal house of Seyruun existed in order to provide financial backing to them at all times. Amelia seemed to realise that but she was still tagging along. At least with her in the party there was always such a thing as a free lunch.

"I've always wanted to visit this town. You know that it's famous for the revolutionary contributions it has given to white magic?"

Lifting her weapon of choice, the silver fork, between two dainty fingers she gave it a well practised twirl before acknowledging her companions comment. "Of course Amelia." Now if she could just remember the name of the place that unfortunately had the insolence to trap a group of sorcerers reputed for their destruction of private property. Stupid storm that came out of nowhere. "This is a great place to start searching for that idiot's talisman. Someone in this place has to know something and this is the best lead we have."

"Who cares about the talisman when we've got great food like this."

The building was a death trap but the food was well renowned. Still..."Gourry, what great food are y-" She looked down at her plate, the holy repayment for all her hard work, and saw the ceramic as a barren wasteland filled with remnants of happier minutes. Looking back at her moronic companion Lina felt her eyes begin to blaze, the power of a Dragon Slave quickly forming between her fingers and the words queuing up upon her tongue, ready for the final release. Suddenly granite collided with her forehead and she collapsed backwards onto the floor.

"Mr Zelgadis!"

Blinking to reaffirm her existence with this world, Lina lifted herself up to sit in her seat once more, glancing forlornly at her non-existent food. What had it done to deserve such an end?

"Oops, guess I hit her a little too hard."

Lina turned to the voice and found herself facing a somewhat unapologetic Zel whose eyes were sweeping across her form. She'd like to sound conceited and pretend he was checking her out, but in the end she knew that just wasn't in him. The gaze, while not completely callous, didn't possess any of the disturbing innuendo that she had experienced from far more perverted men. She was curious if there was anyone that he thought of in _that _way. Containing what threatened to be a full face grin, Lina knew exactly who thought of _Zel_ in _that _way. Snorting at the how Gourry was dealing with the damning knowledge of the clergy's current preference for bestiality - in the inconspicuous form of what should be a certain striped quadruped - the young and beautiful sorcery genius tuned into the conversation once more as she heard the subject of her hilarity's name mentioned.

Amelia delivered her evaluation of the target in a stage whisper for all to hear. "It's very suspicious."

Zelgadis didn't even attempt subterfuge since their topic of conversation had forgone the pleasures of the restaurant in favour of the bar. Could Mazoku get drunk? "Xellos is always suspicious." Yes, that was true.

"Yes, but now he's even more suspicious than normal." Even Gourry honoured the princess with a raised eyebrow at that, the unspoken communication of 'and your point is?' She imparted her wisdom upon the lowly commoners. "It's that book he kept glancing at today. He might not have opened it but there was something creepy about its contents. An evil kind of creepy..."

Raising a finger to tap against her cheek, Lina considered this logically. "There's only one thing that book could contain."

"So you mean-"

"Yes Amelia, I'm afraid it's true."

"–a collection of all his nefarious plans for future reference? That's just diabolical!"

"No you idiot. He has to be researching something. I've seen that glint in many a magicians eye and it is never reassuring. Our next mission is to abduct that book!" She pounded the air above her with her fist for extra effect.

"Yeah!"

"For Justice!"

"Whatever."

"That's the spirit guys." Standing from the table she raised her hands in a consolatory gesture in case she should be killed from over enthusiasm. "But maybe another day."

"But Miss Lina...

"Oh come on Amelia, I'm exhausted."

"Think of all the evil that dwells within those pages."

"Ah, well actually its probably just..."

"Well, as Defender of Justice, Amelia wil Tesla Seyruun will not allow these actions. I –"

"Amel-"

"- will confront any villain who dares to stand in the way of the forces of good."

A headache was set to release its own form of righteous fury on her at the moment and she couldn't resist the jump in octave as her voice came out. "Get off the table you idiot!"

Gourry was peering out between his fingers at the posturing girl before him, his childlike behaviour saying clearly that he was not associated with these people. "People are staring Amelia."

"Just make it end." The dry remark was thrown out from behind Zel's coffee cup that was probably empty judging from the irritated expression on his face.

All in all it confirmed for Lina what she had already known and accepted; that she was leading a band of weirdo's. Not only that, they were being stalked by some that made her group seem normal. But frankly she didn't really care that she was constantly surrounded by insanity. Tears welling in her eyes at the fate that had awaited her life's reward, today had won an award in her life and she'd be cursing it forever.

Worst. Lunch. Ever.

* * *

That's it for today. Did you know if you look up Quadruped on Wikipedia the example they give is a zebra. They knew I was coming.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. Please review and I'll try to get another chapter up soon.


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